Rather aptly, after how much I spoke about Miss Hannigan in my last post (What the fuck is going on?), we went for an outing to the theatre last night to see Annie. My daughter Evelyn is only 2 years old, going through a pretty demonic phase right now and it was her first time to the theatre.
I was expecting Devilyn (her alter ego) to appear at some point throughout the performance – A hell scream? A rag of my hair? Popcorn in my facial orifices? – but she was actually remarkably well behaved (though chocolate may have helped persuade her in the right direction). So through Devilyn’s lack of appearance I thought all would be smooth steering on the crazy train tonight… until Devildick showed up…
Devildick was in his mid to late 40’s and judging by the scowl on his face he’d had a pretty ‘hard knock life’ (I’m aware this is a cringe-worthy pun but I found it too fabulous to edit out before I published this post). He was accompanied by a similar aged female with a strikingly similar scowl whom we shall refer to as Devilbitch. We were already seated when Devildick and Devilbitch emerged next to us asking “WARRA YA SEEET NUMBA’S GEEERL?” (that’s “What are your seat numbers girl?” for any of you that aren’t accustomed to a hearty scouse accent). I told them, they looked confused, re-checked their tickets, turned back to me and said “OH YERR, WE’RE SITTIN’ DERR DEN” pointing to the two empty seats further down the row. Then they just stared at me… Not a “Do you mind if we get past please?” or “I’m sorry for bothering you but can we just squeeze through?” Nope. None of that y’know, normal human polite shit. I was nice enough to respond to the silent stare with “Awh okay, sorry, I’ll let you get past”. Don’t know why I said sorry, that seems to be some kind of English trait, apologising for fuck all.
They at least had the courtesy to thank me, but then fucking IMPATIENTLY waited as I fumbled around trying to move the drinks off the floor, get Evelyn off the chair and remove her booster seat (I say they IMPATIENTLY waited for us to move because Devilbitch was tapping her Devilbitchy leathery boots on the ground). Seriously though? I’d got to the theatre with a toddler, waited in a huge queue for drinks, been to the toilet, got us all settled in our seats ON time and you’re showing up LATE once everyone’s already sat the fuck down? You tap them Devilbitchy leathery foot horns all you want girl, I’m not going any faster.
They walked through, I got everything back together and sat us back down. But I couldn’t help but notice that as soon as Devildick’s arse hit the seat he spread his legs like cock of the joint, taking away all leg room from the people next to him. I’m also pretty sure at this point it was taking all of his energy to keep his hands out of his pants and not crack open a can whilst pissing on the floor (he just seemed the type y’know). As you can tell… I was pretty fixated on how much of a Devildick he already was so the rest is going to be a bit bias but hey, I’m a young mother, it’s like a mental vacation to actually fixate and stress about something that’s not your OWN shit for once.
Everything chilled out (apart from the poor bastard sitting next to him who was clearly really uncomfy because this guy was ALL KINDS of invading his floor space). Then the lights went down and the show started. It was entertaining right from the get go and my little Evelyn was mesmerised. About 10 minutes in she asked me for some chocolate so I lent down to get my bag and as I sat back up I caught sight of Devildick’s beady little eyes looking back all frustratedly at mine. ‘I’m sorry mate, did my 2 year old not FUCKING ASK FOR CHOCOLATE QUIETLY ENOUGH FOR YOU?!?!’ I thought to myself (obviously I didn’t say that out-loud because I don’t like publicly displaying my erratic bitch aggression… and I’m a whimp. I’d also like to say that I don’t swear this much in real life and especially not around my daughter, just in my head to stop it from ex-fucking-ploding).
I understand she didn’t quietly ask for chocolate, but she didn’t shout it either, yet he was clearly really pissed off that he heard something other than Devilbitch munching away on her pringle pot like a fucking animal. I tried to forget him again and carried on enjoying my evening, until a short while after that…
They started shooting dirty glances at a young girl in front of me asking her mother for juice. They had an issue with a young boy a few rows down who was a bit hyperactive. I eventually felt something strange against the back of my head so I turned around and saw the child behind me playing with a Barbie doll – it looked like she was pretending to do a catwalk, bending the dolls legs forward so her arse stuck out like Kimmy-K (oh the beautiful influences on young girls today!) – so I smiled and turned back to carry on watching the show. That’s when I noticed Devildick’s AND Devilbitch’s beady little eyes staring at the poor young girl! ‘C’MON! SHE’S NOT EVEN BEHIND YOU! HOW IS THAT BOTHERING YOU?!’ Did they get bothered by any noise or movement an adult made? Nope.
It was very apparent at this stage that these two horrors just did not like children. Which is fine. If children aren’t you’re thing then they aren’t you’re thing so hey, no-one can judge you for that. I don’t like sharks (well, I actually think they’re rather majestic but I’m TERRIFIED of them) so I’d say I’d act the same, if not even more emotionally unhinged, than these two ponces if I happened upon a shark. But y’know what? I know I don’t like sharks… so I stay out of the fucking OCEAN. If you don’t like children then FOR THE LOVE OF GOD why on EARTH would you go to watch a famous musical based around A CHILD, with singing CHILDREN and not expect there to be REAL LIFE goddamn CHILDREN there?!
I understand that sometimes the theatre isn’t a place for kids. I wouldn’t take my toddler to watch Phatom of the Opera or Educating Rita. But Annie is a child-centric thing. I’d also like to point out that most of the younger, potentially-problematic-during-the-performance, kids had parents who’d all had the same idea as me, ‘get an end of the row seat so we can jump up and bail without pushing past anyone if the kid kicks off’.
We, as parents, have collectively had the foresight to plan our seating arrangement for a pre-emptive stike of our child losing their mental shit. So you, as public child haters, should have the foresight to plan to not bloody go somewhere a mass of children are going to be!
We eventually left after the first half of the performance and I never did let my erratic bitch aggression loose on Devildick and Devilbitch. But I would like to say that we left because my daughter was getting tired and upset, not because of those two morons because FUCK them.
I am absolutely fed-the-fuck-up of being made to feel uncomfortable or unwelcome in public spaces with a child. It is absolutely normal and part of human nature to have a child. It is NOT normal and part of human nature to be a dickhead.
Note: I retract anything I said in yesterday’s post about Miss Hannigan just being a loveless, lost soul. She’s deffo just a dickhead too.